Thirty-five

‘I' am the difference between past and future.

I coalesce at now. I leave my past behind in the dustbin of history and open myself to a future that rushes at me but never quite arrives. Past and future are orders of arrangement that I construct to help me cope with now. After all, the moment is all there is and it has no span either backward or forward; it simply is.

In Aikido class I practice technique. Techniques are executed repeatedly in order to hone skills, develop Ki, coordinate mind and body etc. I tend to mentally call my own play-by-play and provide color commentary as well. This behavior is a denial of the moment and a clinging to the concepts of past and future; as though berating myself for a perceived lack of technical skill in the technique just performed (past) will improve my performance executing the same technique later (future).

I am so oriented to punishment/reward driven behavior. Patting myself on the back for a job well done on the mat is no different from chastising myself for blowing that shihonage. Both are ways of using past behavior to affect future results. Both are ways of avoiding the now.

I am at my most powerful state when both mind and body are coordinated at now.